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Tag: mental health

  • More on discipline

    neon

    Late breakfast. I am trying hard to be more disciplined. With ADHD and OCD that can be incredibly difficult at times. Pushing through it helps in the long run as a clean house and clear mind go a long way.

    I never had a direction for this blog. I thought I’d be posting more design work here and sharing more articles but that’s not the case. Part of why I wanted to start this was meditative and to have some kind of escape from traditional social media. Getting some writing in doesn’t hurt either.

    My internet pal Ian has a wonderful newsletter/blog that, in his words, offers “weekly reflections on curiosity, beauty, and the examined life.” In some way I wanted to do a bit of the same. I always admired his writing and there was a sense of calm that pervaded his posts/emails. I definitely recommend giving his blog a read, especially because of his fantastic photography.

    I’m not a writer, nor would I ever claim to be. I have friends who are far more talented in that arena than I could hope to be. I really want to believe that if I do this more regularly not only would it benefit my mental health but maybe it would help me improve my writing. So far the mental health part seems to be working.

    If nothing else I still get some enjoyment out of this. I haven’t really made connections through it and I am not even sure that anyone out there is reading, but I’m okay with that. There’s always room for improvement.

  • Crossroads

    neon

    I’ve been working on Phantom Port for a year or so now, on and off.

    This past weekend I vended at FlameCon (which was incredible) and I’ve got another show coming up in September. Admittedly it is not what I had hoped it was. Don’t get me wrong, I do well enough. I’ve met plenty of other vendors who have had far less successful shows than me, but I imagined doing better than I have been.

    I don’t mean for that to sound disparaging to others; I mean that I am fortunate that I can make a profit and not just break even. That said, I know that I haven’t put my all into it. I have a day job. I have other things to do that are far less exciting (like waiting for the AC repair guy to show up, but that’s another story.)

    So I hit a cross roads.

    I could call it and let the anxiety win and attribute to “not being good enough.”

    …or I could step it up.

    I chose the second option. I’m taking a hiatus after the next show to do this thing the way I envisioned it. Like a real art project. Real statement. Real brand. (Okay, that last one sounds very corporate and gross, but you get what I mean.)

    I’m going to take time and focus on putting together more items to sell. New shirts, new keychains, new prints that fit in more thematically, new products altogether, and more. I’m going to redo the presentation of my booth and make it the way I envisioned it, like some kind of cyberpunk black market stall ripped from the rainy streets of Shinjuku in some sci-fi setting.

    There’s this problem with ADHD where you feel like you’ve engaged or started a hobby because you bought the tools. I am tremendously guilty of this. I’m sitting in this moment, right now, where I am talking a lot about doing this revamp.

    I don’t want this to be another checked box on the symptom list.

    Check back in a few months. Let’s see where this goes.

  • Bit by bit.

    neon

    I am, admittedly, bad at keeping up with this. I kept holding off for a time that felt natural to post but that also strikes me as a symptom of ADHD / OCD / Anxiety (or just the combination of all three.)

    Recently, I bought one of the new Gundam models from the Gquuuuuux series and got off to an incredibly slow start. After also picking up the Deathscythe (Gundam Wing), I decided I should probably finish the Zaku.

    In a previous post I mentioned my struggles with ADHD and honestly, that’s likely why I’ve had trouble sitting down with model kits. I want it to be done immediately. It wasn’t until Woolie from the Versus Wolves podcast described the “zen” process of sitting down and doing Gunpla that I realized it should be relaxing, not a hassle.

    This recontextualized the whole hobby for me.

    I knew, of course, that patience was key in the hobby, but I had never thought about it as something meditative or relaxing. When I started the Zaku model, I had to fight every urge to get through it as fast as possible. I had to fight the sensation of “being overwhelmed” when I saw all the instructions. That itch is still there but I somehow managed to take my time with it and enjoy it!

    One thing I do want to note is that the instructions still do feel overwhelming, but it moves much quicker than you think. Before I knew it I had the torso and a whole arm put together. I can easily seem myself knocking out the other arm and maybe the legs in another session. It will be over before I know it and I’ll be excited to move onto the next.

    This model is very cool, but also, ACAB. ACAB.

    I haven’t made music in a long, long time. My last “release” was the nanocarbon shrine single, but my last album was “Welcome to the NET” in 2022. That’s a solid 3 years since I’ve done a full album. A lot has happened between then and now, and I do want to put another album together, but maybe I’ll take my time. Patience is key.

  • Patience. Again.

    neon

    A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was attempting to propagate the house plant gifted to us by friends. It’s been a learning experience, both in the actual process and in practicing patience.

    I’ve never been great at that. Maybe it’s rooted in ADHD, maybe not – but I have a tendency to rush ahead for better or worse. With this, however, there’s not much of a choice other than to “wait and see.”

    The leaves in the planter look healthy still, but I’m also trying to propagate in water with a few clippings. With a heartleaf philodendron plant it can take something like 4-5 weeks, maybe more, for roots to start showing. I’ve seen people recommend waiting for those roots to grow more roots before moving it to a planter.

    There’s a part of me that wants to call it another failed project or to childishly blame it on my own lack of skill but I’m trying my best to just let it be.

    We’ll see how it goes.

    Now playing:

  • neon

    Been a few days since I posted. I hadn’t intended to post daily, and certainly haven’t been trying to. Yet, I feel like I’ve slacked off if it’s been a few days. I suppose it stems from a deep down fear that this is just another fleeting hyperfixation. I think it’s real enough because of all the other little things I’ve dropped along the way. For what it’s worth, it feels like meditation and I’m still here.

    Right, the video up top. I finally watched an episode of “Common Side Effects” and it’s brilliant and quite timely. Two former class mates meet again, one having secretly discovered a cure-all-mushroom, the other working for a huge Pharma company. Very excited to check out more of it. The characters, the set up, the animation style, the way it will lull you into a false sense of security with absurd humor before something real bad happens – yeah, it’s good. First episode is free (as seen above), so check it out!

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  • Routine

    neon

    The latest Sad Boyz (embedded above) is fantastic. While they humorously review Ashton Hall’s insane morning routine, they also get into a deeper conversation about masculinity and it’s a good one! (Plus Ify Nwadiwe guests and he generates a lot of great discussion around the topic.)

    Routines can be important and even vital to one’s health, and I’ve been trying to be better about this. I feel like I say that about everything. Maybe that’s not a bad thing – approaching 39 (in 22 days or so) I’ve tried reflecting a bit on how to make my life better from a physical and mental health perspective. I am still going to seek treatment for ADHD when my financials are in order and I’ve made better use of my bullet journal this year, so that’s a start.

    I want to follow through and establish more regular (and healthy) routines, not so much… face ice baths every day or consuming an insane amount of Saratoga water. Thanks to ADHD and other roadblocks I often find myself not taking the time to read a book or practice drawing or design; or just doing any number of other things I’d like to do in a given day. I think I’m almost there, I just need that extra step.

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